Divorce is never easy on anyone, least of all children who get caught in the crossfire of their warring parents. More often than not, it brings out the worst in at least one of the parents. To a certain extent it is understandable that people react in the most unusual ways, because they feel hurt, humiliated, defeated, no longer loved. When you feel like you’re drowning, you will definitely do whatever it takes to survive. Going through a divorce or a separation can bring about similar feelings. and if you’ve been humiliated, then revenge is probably on your mind as well, at least for a moment or two.
            However, no matter how understandable certain outrageous reactions might be, they are never acceptable nor justifiable. Especially when they have such a devastating impact on children. I am not talking about physical violence, that is a category of its own. I am talking about psychological manipulation and blackmailing, intimidation and conditioning. That is what children are exposed to in court and out-of-court battles. When narcissistic parents split up, the reactions are that more vicious. The reason for it is simple – narcissists present themselves as perfect, on the surface they actually believe to be outstanding, despite the fact that deep down they consider themselves worthless. In trying to prevent the underlying depression and feelings of not being good enough to come to the surface, narcissists go that extra mile and do whatever they possibly can to save their reputation and their false feeling of infallibility. The narcissist will try to humiliate and devalue the other parent, present them to their children as bad persons who don’t love them, are unreliable and are not to be trusted. Saving face, coming out on top and defeating their spouse is their mission number one. In order to gain victory, no strategy is off limits. The other parent can be ridiculed, lied about, discounted, attacked, presented as the most horrible person to have ever inhabited this planet.
Now imagine what kind of an impact that has on children? When they witness their parents in an open conflict in which they are being used as a weapon. When they are cajoled by the narcissistic parent into choosing them, because why would the child choose the other parent if the narcissist is the best parent you could possibly wish for. The narcissistic parent requires children to act happy when they are with them, to pretend they prefer them over the other parent, they openly make them choose one parents and reject the other one.
            Children are too often victims of irresponsible, selfish and egocentric narcissistic parents who are doing their utmost to destroy each other. Such parents rarely take into consideration the psychological and emotional state of children, not to mention their needs and desires. They scar them for life and we shouldn’t be terribly surprised when these same children then repeat the patterns from their family in their own relationships and interactions with other people in their lives.

​I have read several articles lately in which the authors argue that the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is genetic and hence hereditary. In their opinion, the nurture component is almost irrelevant in the making of a narcissist. They put nearly all the blame on the nature component and substantiate it by referring to conclusions in several scientific studies. Let me try to explain why I disagree with them.
            When it comes to the development of our personality, nature and nurture play the decisive role. Scientists have still not come to a consensus as to which of the two is more important. Fate also has a part to play in it, because we don’t choose where, when and to whom we will be born, nor what our biological makeup will be like. Nature encompasses our genetic predispositions. Nurture encompasses our environment – the physical environment we live in and, more importantly, the people we live and interact with. The pivotal role of the significant other in our lives cannot be overstated. The significant other are our parents, other adults in our lives who have an impact on our cognitive and emotional development, friends, and later on, our partners.
Another element that needs to be taken into consideration when trying to explain the development of narcissism is the composition of our personality. Our personality consists of two elements – character and temperament. It relates to our thinking, motivation and behavior. Character is not given at birth, but is shaped gradually throughout life. Our environment, thoughts, feelings and behaviors shape our character. Temperament is determined by the biological factors and is thus relatively fixed. It is what we inherited, hence we call it our biological, genetic and instinctive part of the personality. For example, temperament defines whether we will be more of an introvert or more of an extrovert. In case of the latter, the development of narcissistic traits is more likely if our parents never frustrated our demands and failed to set boundaries. The most critical developmental period is around the age of three, when everyone goes through the omnipotent phase.
When it comes to narcissists, nature does not hold much responsibility for how they turned out. Yes, nature gives them certain predispositions (temperament traits), but it is the nurture component that impacts to what extent those temperament traits will express themselves. What is more, nature will enhance their character traits in a healthier or in a more pathological direction. Like all people, narcissists, too, were once small babies in need of love, care, affection, nurturing, protection and mirroring from their parents. In the lives of narcissists, there was just never the right amount of any of it.
Let me now touch upon a few arguments that have been forwarded in different hypotheses about narcissism being genetic. In one study[1] the authors looked at what they call “the narcissistic instincts.” They also observed the body language of individuals and inquired about how they would define their personality. While I agree with the authors that, by definition, the instinct is not something shaped by the nurture component, I fail to comprehend how they defined and measured instinct as such, or how the body language can be used to label someone as a person with NPD. What is then the difference in body language exhibited by a NPD person and someone who is self-confident?
In another study[2] the authors focused on grandiosity and entitlement, which are two of the most prominent narcissistic characteristics. Their reasoning is well elaborated. However, grandiosity and entitlement are not something we are born with, they are learned behavior. Do children or adolescents really behave in a grandiose and entitled manner of their own volition? Isn’t it more likely that they have learned how to be arrogant, vain and condescending? That they have modelled other people in their environment, first and foremost their adult significant others? Children learn about feelings and appropriate behavior through their parents’ mirroring. Grandiose behavior is not self-initiated, so how can it be genetic?
Several scientific articles have also been written on the subject of brain structure and gray matter abnormalities[3] in NPD persons. What these authors focused on is another hallmark of narcissists, the lack of empathy. I have already written in one of my other blogs that narcissists don’t lack empathy, they just experience it differently. It is more self-referenced and intellectual compared to the empathy most other people feel. Of the three articles I mention, this one is the most scientifically watertight because brain imagery was used. Nonetheless, we cannot ignore neuroplasticity and the impact parenting has on the development of brain. Just like psychotherapy can play a restorative role in enhancing the creation of new connections between neurons [4]. Therefore, the nurture component can’t be completely dismissed.
            Wouldn’t it be easier if the origins of narcissism were attributable to genetic factors alone? It would mean that we, as parents and members of a society, hold zero responsibility for the development of pathological narcissism in children and later on in adults. Sadly, the nurture component cannot be ignored. Although the genetic make up of an individual is not negligible, I still strongly believe that narcissists are made, not born. Even if someone has a temperament that is susceptible to lead that individual in the narcissistic direction, it is still the nurture component that can reroute it into a healthier one. 


[1] Afacan Y, Chaudhry F, Santangelo V, Shkolnik A (2017) Narcissism is Genetic and the Superego Keeps it in Check. JSM Anxiety Depress 2(1): 1021.
 

[2] Luo, Y. L., Cai, H., & Song, H. (2014). A behavioral genetic study of intrapersonal and interpersonal dimensions of narcissism. PloS one, 9(4), e93403. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0093403
 

[3] Schulze, L., Dziobek, I., Vater, A., Heekeren, H., Bajbouj, M., Renneberg, B., Heuser, I., & Roepke, S. (2013). Gray matter abnormalities in patients with narcissistic personality disorder. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 47(10), 1363-1369.

[4] Malhotra, S., & Sahoo, S. (2017). Rebuilding the brain with psychotherapy. Indian journal of psychiatry, 59(4), 411–419. doi:10.4103/0019-5545.217299
 

         I often get asked by clients in my practice “what is wrong with narcissists!?” Well, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with them per se, at least with the majority of them. They are facing similar problems and issues as most of us do. But if you have ever browsed through the titles of books and articles on narcissists, you have certainly noticed that most of them talk about narcissists as some horrible creatures that must be avoided, escaped from, disarmed, defeated, and the like. One would think that there is absolutely nothing positive about them and that they are a modern day plague wreaking havoc in our personal and professional lives. The popular belief about them goes exactly like that. However, if we want to better understand narcissists and their way of being and behaving, we need to take a broader look at them. We cannot just stick to the narrow-minded conviction that they are despicable beings that should be shunned. I, for one, like narcissists and am rooting for them because I know that they are not the only ones to be blamed for everything that goes wrong in our relationships with them.
 
            But let us first look at some general assumptions about narcissists with which I concur. Most of us would agree that narcissists are fascinating, attractive, intelligent, gallant, charming, successful, wonderful, charismatic, enigmatic, yet very self-absorbed and self-referenced people to whom we get attracted like moths to a flame. We cannot but like them and be mesmerized by them. They often give the impression of being superhuman, because listening to them we get the feeling that they are the masters of all trades and capable of achieving everything they set their minds to. However, they can also easily swing from one extreme to the other – from being wonderful and loving to being scornful, rejecting, cruel and humiliating. Therefore, we never know for sure what awaits us when we next see them. We are often left dumbfounded by their behavior. Hence the question “what is wrong with them?” Narcissists only seem to notice or take interest in other people when they need them, so that they can use them as a source of the narcissistic fuel and discard them as soon as they feel the devotion and deference to them crumbling. Unfortunately, that is frequently true. However, another theory prevails about them that I cannot agree with. One that leads many people to assume the worst about narcissists. Namely, that narcissists have zero empathy. Even the clinical definition goes that narcissists desperately lack empathy.
            It is true that the empathy narcissists feel is different in quality from that experienced by non-narcissistic people. While narcissists’ empathy is certainly more self-interested and intellectual, we cannot honestly claim that they have none of it. They have it, but are often not using it for the common good. If they truly had no empathy, then they would never have been able to charm our socks off, manipulate us or get under our skin. Yet they do, because they can empathically attune to our feelings and needs, and provide us with exactly what we need, albeit briefly it may be.
            Unfortunately, not many people take the time to see past the narcissistic mask that narcissists wear in public. Very few make the effort to climb over the wall narcissists surround themselves with in trying to hide their true self. What often gets overlooked, too, is that not all narcissists are the same. Malignant narcissists can much more be likened to people with antisocial personality disorder and should certainly be avoided. As for the other types, the toxic, show-off/gregarious and covert/vulnerable narcissists, we should be more understanding and less hostile towards them.
Namely, the persona the narcissists display in their vain, pompous, condescending, arrogant, haughty public appearances is very often a defense mechanism. Deep down, narcissists have a terribly poor opinion of themselves. They consider themselves not worthy of love, have a very negative self-image, suffer from depression and abandonment anxiety and are convinced that other people are better than they are. Therefore, they need to wear all that armor just to be able to survive emotionally. But not many people notice or know that, not even narcissists’ partners. Hence, they engage in power struggles with narcissists, in the game of getting the upper hand – which only makes negative characteristics of everyone involved in the relationship to come to the surface.
If I had to answer the question “what is wrong with narcissists?” I would have to extend that question to the people who enter in relationships with them and ask the same question about them. What is wrong with us that we allow narcissists to behave horribly towards us? Why do we put up with it? Because we, too, get hooked to the narcissists and cannot let go, despite all that is wrong with them. We get entangled in the negative dynamics not only because there is something wrong with narcissists, but because there is something wrong with us as well. We all contribute to the toxic and co-dependent relationships that we form with narcissists.
How can we then define this “wrong” in all of us? The term does not mean that there is actually something wrong with us, in the sense that we are abnormal, weird, crazy, unworthy or not good enough. WRONG in this context can best be defined by our past unhealed wounds, our old script patterns and behaviors that we keep repeating, our unmet relational needs and the lack of self-worth.
 
            Therefore, instead of asking “what is wrong with narcissists?” let us rather look at how we contribute to their negative characteristics coming to the surface. As I have said in the introduction, I do not think there is anything wrong with narcissists. I like narcissists and find them to be charming, exciting, fun, smart people who bring color and spice to our lives. Problems arise when we start pushing each other’s wrong buttons out of our own insecurities. If we do not know which limiting script patterns govern our behavior and if we do not know how to change them, we will not be able to control ourselves nor handle narcissists. Having a fulfilling and healthy relationship with narcissists is possible, but we need to deal with our own “wrongs” before we can try to help resolve the “wrongs” of narcissists.

          Whenever we are on a first date, we usually worry way too much about how we are dressed, what we say, how we behave and the like. Quite frequently, we are not anything like our normal self, as we are trying to make a really good impression on the subject of our affection. In fact, we try so hard that we end up looking a bit goofy and silly at best. So who has the time to scan the person sitting across the table for potential signs that he is a narcissist, right?
            Well, luckily, it is really not that difficult to spot a narcissist in any social setting, and even less so if we are on a date with him. The first likely sign that you are going out with a narcissist is that he chooses the most expensive and trendy restaurant in the city, even if the food there is not necessarily the best. What matters is that your are dining in the most expensive place in town. Second sign: he will probably pick you up in his very expensive car, which will be extremely clean, so you will potentially be asked to dust off your shoes before getting in the car. Sign number three: he will be better dressed than you are. Narcissists look like they just got off a photo shoot for a glam magazine, especially if they are on a mission to impress you. Sign number four: he will behave like a true gentleman from the moment he rings at your door to the moment you sit at the table. He will open the door for you, take your coat, gallantly walk behind you as he leads you to your table, his hand resting on your lower back. Sign number five: he will make sure you make an entrance when you walk in the restaurant because he wants all his friends and colleagues –  who will undoubtedly be dining there, at least some of them – to see you, the trophy date he is taking to dinner. Sign number six: he will choose your food and wine. When he will engage in a conversation with the waiter, you will have the impression that he really knows what he is talking about as he explains just how the steak should be done and why that particular vintage is much better than the other one for the wine he selected. Sign number seven: he will be charming, expressing interest in you, seductive, flirting and making you feel special. Even so, if we move on to sign number eight: he will dominate the conversation. Even when he asks you to say something about yourself, he will steer the conversation back to him. The whole evening will be about him. Sign number nine: you will go home feeling on cloud nine as you believe you have spent the most magnificent evening of your life. Sign number ten: when you wake up the following day, you’re already yearning for him. You’re hooked.
            Not every narcissist is the same, some are more toxic than others. However, the first ideal date we had with him is no indication that the honeymoon will last. Sadly, the contrary happens more often than not. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is hard work and if you think that the prince charming from your first date will be making a regular appearance, you are unfortunately mistaken. Unless you make some changes about yourself and about your expectations of him, you will be regularly disappointed.