April 19th, 2023

I don't know why it's happening exactly now but somehow death seems to be a prominent theme in my life. I absolutely hate it! Since themes in my life often correspond to the issues my clients are dealing with, I wonder how often the topic will be present in our discussions. Regardless of whether we're talking about physical or metaphorical death. Perhaps my thinking is impacted by the solar eclipse and what it portends as well.
There has been an unusual number of deaths and illnesses in my circle of friends lately and it's very disturbing. All so sudden and unexpected. I have considerable difficulties dealing with death. Not so much my own, but that's probably because I've been fairly healthy so far, except for one episode years ago. I was particularly hit by one death during the Covid times. It was so difficult to accept that the person was gone, that we'll never again have a glass of Rioja together or a deep conversation or simply fun toghether. 
I don't know what it is but this notion of never ever seeing someone again frightens me. It leaves me frozen. So many things left unsaid, so many memories not made together, so much still left to discuss, and enjoy, even if it is just some quiet time together.
My love's illness too has marked me significantly. It's too soon. I'm not ready. And why is it that the theme of death is so omnipresent in my life now? It is ominous, frightening, unsettling. I know death is a natural part of life but it should not come so soon. I feel like I am being robbed. Something is being taken away from me. Often, there's nothing I can do about it. Stiff upper lip and taking it on the chin, in a very British kind of way. But I'm not British, I'm emotional.
Perhaps it's the fact I'm feeling powerless. Unable to do something, anything.
As a therapist, I have coping mechanisms. I understand the process. I know I will survive. Yet it's still unsettling, horrible, f...ing unbelievable, unacceptable.
Tell them you love them. Tell them everything. Before it's too late.