 Whenever we are on a first date, we usually worry way too much about how we are dressed, what we say, how we behave, and the like. Quite frequently, we are not our normal selves, as we are trying to make a really good impression on the person we are interested in. In fact, we try so hard that we end up looking a bit goofy or silly at best. So who has the time to scan the person sitting across the table for potential signs that he is a narcissist, right?
Luckily, it is not that difficult to spot a narcissist in any social setting, and even less so if you are on a date with him. The first likely sign is that he chooses the most expensive and trendy restaurant in the city, even if the food isn’t necessarily the best. What matters is that you are dining in the most expensive place in town. The second sign: he will probably pick you up in a very expensive car, which will be extremely clean, and you might even be asked to dust off your shoes before getting in. Sign number three: he will be better dressed than you are. Narcissists often look like they just got off a glamorous photo shoot, especially if they are on a mission to impress you. Sign number four: he will behave like a true gentleman from the moment he rings your doorbell to the moment you sit at the table. He will open the door for you, take your coat, and walk behind you as he leads you to your table, his hand resting on your lower back. Sign number five: he will make sure you make a grand entrance, because he wants all his friends and colleagues—who will undoubtedly be dining there—to see the trophy date he is taking to dinner. Sign number six: he will choose your food and wine. When he engages with the waiter, you will get the impression that he really knows what he’s talking about, explaining how the steak should be cooked and why that particular wine is superior. Sign number seven: he will be charming, attentive, seductive, and flirtatious, making you feel special. Sign number eight: he will dominate the conversation. Even when he asks you to talk about yourself, he will steer the conversation back to him. The whole evening will revolve around him. Sign number nine: you will go home on cloud nine, believing you’ve had the most magnificent evening of your life. Sign number ten: the following day, you’re already yearning for him. You’re hooked. Not every narcissist is the same; some are more toxic than others. However, the perfect first date is no guarantee that the honeymoon will last. Sadly, the opposite often happens. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is hard work, and if you think the prince charming from your first date will make regular appearances, you are unfortunately mistaken. Unless you make changes about yourself and your expectations of him, you will be regularly disappointed.
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 Fear is one of those double-edged swords. If we fear that our life might be endangered, the fight-flight-freeze reaction sets in precisely because of fear, which is actually helpful—it enables us to deal with menacing circumstances. Each of these reactions has its own consequences, some more favorable than others. Fear also makes us more cautious, preventing us from running headlong into a difficult situation.
But what happens when fear becomes an unconscious excuse not to do something? Off the cuff, I would say that fear prevents us from moving on, taking risks, daring to be a little different, trying something new, leaving a toxic relationship, being who we truly are, and expressing our wishes and needs. The list could go on and on. What do we fear most? Often, it’s what other people will say. Will they find me worthy or good enough? Will they still like me? Will they criticize or shun me? Have you noticed just how much influence what others might think has on what we say or do? Being judged, even by complete strangers, is one of the things we fear the most today—especially because anyone can post anything online without having the courage to debate it or present proper argumentation. Then there is the fear of failure, which again often ties back to what others will say. While we can eventually overcome the pain of not succeeding at something, our environment will rarely let us forget it. Many will even revel in our loss and sorrow. What about the fear of being alone? Why do we continue to cling to unhealthy relationships and people who bring us nothing but pain? Because we fear that we will be left alone, that we will never find someone new who will like us for who we truly are. Fear paralyzes us. It stops us from moving forward, taking constructive risks, or making changes, even when we know we should. The fear of what ifs is perhaps the worst of all, because it keeps us from acting in the face of the unknown. In a relationship with a narcissist, fear is often amplified, leaving us insecure and doubting our own sanity. In the end, fear prevents us from leading a full life, a life aligned with our wishes and desires. Being afraid means surrendering control of your life to someone else. It means giving up your power. It is far worse to live in constant fear than to take the risk that something magical could happen. It might not work out at first, but at least you would have tried. Don’t let others intimidate you because of their own insecurities. Be brave, take the risk, assume responsibility, move on, and be happy!  Self-worth is one of those buzzwords we often encounter in inspirational speeches and magazine articles that promise, “Know your self-worth and the world will lay at your feet.” Truly knowing your worth is positive and absolutely essential if you want to lead a stable, serene life. But how can you know it if you were never taught?
Many of us feel that we are not good enough, either because no one ever told us we are, or because we never learned how to feel good enough. Our sense of self-worth is often conditioned by external factors, dependent on what others think of us. This is problematic because it leads us to constantly strive to please everyone but ourselves, living lives that are misaligned with our true selves. Self-worth is usually cultivated in our primary family during childhood. If our parents—mothers especially—never showed us that we matter, that we are worthy of love, attention, and protection, it can be difficult to believe in ourselves and recognize our own importance. We don’t gain a sense of self-worth simply by deciding we are worthy. Yes, that is a necessary first step, but it isn’t sufficient on its own. Accepting our value at a cognitive level doesn’t guarantee that we will feel it emotionally, where it truly matters. So what does it mean to know your self-worth? First, you need to feel it deep in your gut—that you are good enough as a person, that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-worth is tied to the essence of who you are. When you truly feel it, you are not swayed by others’ opinions. You don’t compromise at your own expense. You know how to set boundaries and stick to them. You know who you are, what you want, and what is acceptable to you. You don’t yield under pressure to please others when your values and beliefs are at stake. Feeling worthy is not the same as being haughty, arrogant, conceited, or condescending. When you know your self-worth, such defensive behavior is no longer necessary. You can insist on “my way or the highway” on matters that truly matter to you, and walk away with your head held high, regardless of what others think. You’re proud of yourself and confident in your decisions. You don’t question yourself, and you don’t regret the choices you’ve made. Once you achieve that, you are practically invincible. |
Katarina's LIFE Principle:“If we want to change the world, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. That is why I love real people who say what they mean and mean what they say. No fluff, no lies and no pretence.”
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