Since I wrote a book that deals primarily with toxic relationships, it is only fitting that I dedicate my first blog to relationships. This is undoubtedly an extremely complex and complicated subject, and different viewpoints on it abound.
​When it comes to relationships, we all have our own experiences, perceptions, desires, wishes, expectations, requirements, and red lines. Many people take on a markedly different persona when they are in a couple. Have you ever noticed that people behave differently when they are single or when you meet them without their partner? More often than not, they seem more genuine and in line with their true selves.
However, once they are in a couple, they often act out of character, at least in certain areas of their life. Some try to overly adapt to their partner, while others try to force their partner to fit an idealized perception they have of them. Either way, these strategies usually lead to dissatisfaction and conflict in the long run.
The majority of couples I know—or have encountered—are not healthy. Unfortunately, that is the reality of modern-day relationships. This does not necessarily mean they are toxic or severely damaging, but they certainly do not contribute to an emotionally serene life or to personal growth.
More often than not, relationships become a battleground, where partners try to get the upper hand or settle scores. At the very least, they get on each other’s nerves more often than not. Instead of cooperation, respect, and love, there is competition, rivalry, and envy, which play out on conscious or unconscious levels. Many relationships resemble ownerships rather than partnerships. Partners try to control each other, take advantage of one another, and stay together for all the wrong reasons—fear of being alone, avoidance of public humiliation, financial dependence, for the sake of children, or simply out of comfort. Any excuse seems to justify staying in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, sometimes with a person they have long stopped loving—or perhaps never truly loved.
The longer the partners have been together, the more resentment and bitterness build. Instead of letting go and moving on, they become hooked on each other, engaging in a push-and-pull dynamic that causes frustration and disappointment.
There are many reasons why the state of modern love is so bleak, and I will explore them in upcoming blogs. These are the elements that usually play a decisive role in making a relationship succeed or fail. In my opinion, the fundamental ingredients of a healthy relationship are love, respect, patience, understanding, interest in one another, communication, loyalty, and reliability. Cheating, lies, deception, punishment, and ignorance have no place in a loving relationship.
If being in a couple with your partner does not contribute to a happier, more fulfilled life or to your personal growth, then the relationship is unlikely to last and may cause increasing harm over time. In such cases, it is better to heed the Italian saying: “meglio sola che mal accompagnata”—better alone than in bad company.