LOVE AND BEING IN LOVE

Today I wanted to write about how it feels to be in a relationship with a narcissist, because that is one of the topics covered in the book. However, spring is in the air--love, the bees, the flowers, the trees—so I thought I’d rather share some thoughts about love and being in love. About romantic love, that is.
​I am a staunch believer in the power of love and am convinced that being happily in love is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. That is probably why I absolutely adore springtime, when everything and everyone seems to be blossoming and blooming, literally and figuratively.
I get somewhat annoyed whenever I read that being in love is actually a pathological state, as if love were a disease we don’t want to contract. When did being in love become a dirty word? While we can love many people, we are rarely in love with more than one person at a time. This is what distinguishes an intimate relationship from a platonic, albeit loving, one. No matter how much we love someone, if we haven’t experienced that being-in-love state of mind, the relationship won’t have the same depth. If you don’t get that warm, fuzzy feeling and feel zero desire to touch or be close to the person of your affection, then what you have is simply a close relationship with someone you like, not an intimate love relationship.
Some claim that the butterflies in your stomach only last about six months, coinciding with a “prescription date” for being in love. After that, they say, it supposedly doesn’t matter who you end up with because other things—compatibility, stability, shared goals—become more important. Honestly, I just roll my eyes when I read that. They argue that chemistry plays no role in a relationship, that we could live in a happy, fulfilling partnership with almost anyone if we simply made the effort. Excuse me, but that is utter nonsense.
I agree that love by itself isn’t enough—a lasting relationship also requires shared interests, values, beliefs, and a common purpose. I also agree that during the first intense months of being in love—when we can hear the grass grow and see nothing but positive qualities in our partner due to our rose-colored glasses—we are in a slightly modified emotional state.
However, I strongly disagree that these feelings are limited to a six-month window and then vanish, or that they are somehow less true or valuable than we believe them to be. I have been in love with my partner for well over a decade. I still get butterflies when I see him, my heart still skips a beat, and my knees still get weak. Not every day, and not all the time—but I am certainly still head over heels in love.
If a relationship plays out solely at a cognitive level and doesn’t resonate emotionally or sexually, then it is merely a partnership, not an intimate love relationship. Yes, we can probably make it work with many people—but those relationships will never bring the same joy, color, and intensity as one where we are truly in love.
If you don’t believe that being in love matters, ask yourself this: who would you choose? Person A with qualities XYZ, for whom you feel affection, or Person B with the same qualities, for whom you feel affection and are utterly and completely smitten?