narcissistic parents and divorce

Divorce is never easy, especially for children who get caught in the crossfire of their warring parents. More often than not, it brings out the worst in at least one parent. To some extent, it is understandable that people react in unusual ways because they feel hurt, humiliated, defeated, and unloved. When you feel like you’re drowning, you will do whatever it takes to survive. Going through a divorce or separation can bring about similar feelings, and if you’ve been humiliated, revenge might cross your mind, even if only for a moment.
​However, no matter how understandable certain outrageous reactions might be, they are never acceptable or justifiable—especially when they have a devastating impact on children. I am not talking about physical violence; that is a category of its own. I am talking about psychological manipulation, blackmailing, intimidation, and conditioning. This is what children are exposed to in court battles and out-of-court conflicts.
When narcissistic parents split up, their reactions tend to be even more vicious. The reason is simple: narcissists present themselves as perfect on the surface, but deep down, they feel worthless. In trying to prevent underlying depression and feelings of inadequacy from surfacing, they go to extreme lengths to protect their reputation and false sense of infallibility. The narcissist will attempt to humiliate and devalue the other parent, presenting them to the children as bad, unloving, unreliable, and untrustworthy. Saving face, coming out on top, and defeating their spouse becomes their mission. No strategy is off-limits: the other parent can be ridiculed, lied about, discounted, attacked, and painted as the worst person imaginable.
Now imagine the impact on children. They witness their parents in open conflict and are used as weapons in the battle. Narcissistic parents often coax children into choosing sides, insisting that the child prefers them over the other parent. Children are expected to act happy, pretend loyalty, and openly reject the other parent.
Children are far too often the victims of irresponsible, selfish, and egocentric parents, whose primary goal is to destroy each other. These parents rarely consider the psychological and emotional state of their children, let alone their needs and desires. The result is scars that can last a lifetime, and it should come as no surprise when these children repeat similar patterns in their own relationships and interactions with others.