ADULTERY

It is amazing just how adamant we tend to be whenever the issue of adultery comes up. On the surface, many of us believe in the sanctity of marriage and committed relationships, and are horrified whenever we hear of infidelity. Being loyal, faithful, and true is what many expect our partners to be. The mere idea of them—or us—being unfaithful can make us feel uneasy, ashamed, guilty, or petrified, to name just a few possible emotional responses.
​Think back to your reaction when you learned that someone was cheating or being cheated on. Let’s assume that your best friend’s husband was cheating on her with a sexy colleague, or that your mother was having an affair with her attractive personal trainer, something your father had no clue about. For the sake of argument, let’s say your mother is in an unhappy marriage and still involved with this person. How did you feel when you learned about it? Were you surprised, outraged, angry, disappointed, judgmental, or sad? Did your emotions differ depending on whether the person was cheating or being cheated on? Were you more understanding if your friend was “the guilty party”? Have you ever considered the whole picture, taking into account the relationships in their entirety? Were you truly privy to all pertinent information regarding a specific couple?
Yes, trust is essential for a successful relationship. In my opinion, so are fidelity and loyalty. But once trust is lost and doubt creeps in, it becomes difficult to open up, be vulnerable, share, confide, and rely on our partners. How can we know we won’t be betrayed again? Many couples don’t survive infidelity—even if they don’t split up. The lingering mistrust erodes the relationship and prevents things from ever returning to normal. Often, couples try to sweep the issue under the carpet, refusing to deal with it openly after the phase of mutual accusations. There is never any closure of the hurtful situation.
Yet, there are also couples in a rut who need a wake-up call to realize how important their relationship is to both partners. An affair can sometimes serve as that wake-up call. There are also couples in open relationships, for whom fidelity and exclusivity don’t matter much. Then again, there are couples who are happy in many aspects of their relationship, yet lack sexual intimacy. Imagine a couple where the need for intimacy differs significantly, or one where a partner is physically incapable of intimacy due to illness. Does that mean one partner must give up sex forever?
What I am trying to say is that we shouldn’t be judgmental whenever we hear of adultery. We often don’t know what is truly happening in the couple, and we are frequently biased, immediately siding with the “injured party.”
What surprised me was how many people actually cheat and consider it not that relevant, even those in seemingly loving and committed relationships. Appearances can be deceptive. Every couple is unique, and as long as all parties are informed and agree, I won’t judge. But I have also seen couples where infidelity caused significant damage, not only to the adults but to children as well.
Many adulterers claim it’s biological, in their genes, or something unavoidable—a necessary part of ensuring mankind doesn’t die out. Maybe, but then why don’t married men or women have children with their lovers?
Cheating is often an expression of dissatisfaction, an escape from routine, an attempt to feel wanted and desired, or even a cry for help. Some people cheat because they prefer superficial relationships or lack responsibility. If you marry someone like that, don’t be surprised when it happens. Women, in particular, sometimes pretend ignorance, even when they suspect their partner is unfaithful. Infidelity, like many other behaviors, occurs because we allow it.
Therefore, choose your partner carefully. Talk honestly and openly. If your views on life and relationships are too different, don’t settle. Most importantly, take responsibility for your life and your choices. Few things in life are truly final—much can be changed if you know what you want. Choose a life and partner to your liking, because life is short, and you don’t want to spend it with someone who expects you to share them, especially if that’s not part of your plan.