 The title might sound a bit obvious—after all, where else would you be than where you went? Yet this saying points to a fundamental truth about life that we often forget. And surprisingly, it’s also one of the basic lessons in therapy.
One of the main purposes of therapy is to help clients address their problems, find solutions, and introduce lasting change in how they think, feel, or behave. Most often, these problems arise in relationships—romantic, friendly, family, work, or even neighborly. Other times, they come from intrasubjective experiences, which is a fancy way of saying the relationship we have with ourselves. To put it simply: you need to make peace with who you are, with past mistakes, and with your emotional baggage. You need to learn to love yourself. In therapy, we focus on changing what we call maladaptive patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior. Often, when these patterns shift, our relationships improve as well. But sometimes, no matter how much personal growth we achieve or how many dysfunctional patterns we let go of, the same problems persist, even if slightly reduced. The first obvious solution might seem to be changing your environment—ending relationships, switching jobs, moving to a new city. It’s a radical approach, but it can bring short-term relief. Yet, in the long run, it often doesn’t solve the deeper issues. Why? When we move, change jobs, or enter new relationships, we naturally hold back at first. We don’t fully express our personality—the good and the difficult parts. But once we settle in, old behavioral patterns often reemerge. Unresolved issues, or those only superficially addressed, tend to come back. People and situations in our lives will trigger familiar reactions, and we may act in ways that resemble past patterns. Some of this comes from unresolved issues with specific people (transference), and some from our own maladaptive behaviors. This is why deep, lasting change in therapy is so important. Superficial fixes won’t stop old problems from recurring. Change must be felt, owned, and integrated, or it remains temporary. Wherever you go, there you are—with all your strengths and vulnerabilities. Your personality and habits follow you. If you notice the same kinds of challenges popping up repeatedly in your life, it may be time to return to therapy and explore profound personal growth. By addressing the root causes, you can finally break cycles, strengthen your relationships, and create meaningful change that lasts—no matter where life takes you.
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 How long have you been battling the same situation, solving the same problems, or facing the same dilemmas? How far have you really gotten?
When we cling to something, no matter how unhealthy it is for us, we develop tunnel vision. We only see what we want to see, focusing on a narrow perspective while missing the bigger picture. This keeps us trapped in a vortex of negative emotions, self-fulfilling prophecies, and dead ends. It’s exhausting, frustrating, and leads absolutely nowhere. I’m not talking only about relationships, though we often struggle most here—including the relationship with ourselves. I’m talking about all the areas of life where we refuse to let go, mistakenly believing that if we try hard enough, everything will fall into place. Often, persistence works—whether it’s for relationships, careers, hobbies, or other areas. Yet, there are moments when we must admit that something isn’t working and simply move on instead of going round in circles. This can feel like a toxic codependent relationship, one we try to escape while simultaneously trying to rescue it. It’s exhausting, pointless, and emotionally draining. We need to learn how to let go. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be—and that’s perfectly fine. Many people think that letting go of an obsession is a sign of defeat, but it’s actually a sign of maturity and personal growth. Accepting when to release something shows that we’re no longer trying to prove ourselves to others—or even to ourselves. When we let go, we free up energy to focus on what truly brings us joy, excitement, and fulfillment, instead of letting our lives be drained by what no longer works. Saying goodbye to what doesn’t serve us creates space for new opportunities to enter our lives. So, let’s release the one thing causing us sorrow. Let’s give life a chance and open ourselves to new possibilities. There is so much out there waiting for us, but life doesn’t offer unlimited time. Stop wasting energy on endless problem-solving and start doing what brings you happiness. There is no shame in cutting your losses and moving on. You’ve learned your lesson, and now it’s time to declutter your emotional life. If this feels overwhelming, start small--declutter your closet or drawers. Give your life some much-needed oxygen to breathe, stop rehashing the past, and move forward to create a better future for yourself.  Many people who come to therapy ask whether they should lower their standards when it comes to finding the right partner. This question often arises for women in particular. If a man is single after a certain age, he’s still seen as an eligible bachelor. But if a woman in her 30s or 40s is single, society often labels her as “weird” or assumes something is wrong with her.
The truth is: nothing is wrong. Many women are single because they’ve learned from past experiences and are no longer willing to tolerate just anyone in their life. They aren’t willing to endure, silently or with tears, the small but persistent frustrations that some partners bring into a relationship. It’s perfectly fine—and even healthy—for women to become a bit more demanding when choosing an intimate partner. Unfortunately, societal pressure and other people’s judgments often make women question themselves and their choices. This is when the question arises: “Should I lower my standards?” There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Every woman needs to consider what truly matters in a relationship for her. What qualities does she seek in a partner? Which values must be shared? Does her life plan need to align with her partner’s? What are the non-negotiables in a relationship? These are areas where standards shouldn’t be lowered. Of course, some compromises are possible in other areas, though they aren’t obligatory. Listen to your heart and mind, and trust your instincts. If you feel societal pressure to stop being single, don’t lower your standards--raise them. If you feel that you might be a bit rigid in some areas, soften your approach. And if you’re tempted to settle just to avoid being alone, consider other solutions: a friend with benefits, an exclusive partner who lives separately, or just a supportive friend. Being single isn’t always easy, but it’s far better than being in an unhappy relationship. Life in a fulfilling partnership is wonderful, yet a rich and meaningful life is also possible while being single. Remember, you have only one life—make the most of it, and don’t settle for less than what truly brings you happiness, respect, and fulfillment.  Could jealousy ever be beneficial in a relationship? Some people wonder whether feeling jealous is a sign of true love, or whether it’s always a destructive emotion. Is jealousy an expression of insecurity, or is it a reflection of mistrust toward your partner? And how is it different from envy?
Envy usually appears when you notice that someone else has something you desire. Jealousy, on the other hand, emerges when you fear losing something or someone close to your heart. It’s completely natural to feel jealous occasionally. Very few people have such a high level of self-confidence that they never worry about the possibility of their partner cheating or leaving. Most of us experience jealousy, especially when we see our partner paying attention to someone else. Unchecked, jealousy can become overwhelming. It can cause anxiety, sleepless nights, stomachaches, and a flood of negative emotions such as anger, fear, resentment, humiliation, doubt, shame, and even desire for revenge. These feelings often spill into behavior, resulting in possessiveness, cynicism, verbal aggression, blaming, or suspiciousness. This type of jealousy is never healthy and can actually push your partner away, sometimes even into someone else’s arms. Jealousy is justified when your partner behaves inappropriately—if they’ve been unfaithful, ignore your relationship, or prioritize everyone else over you. However, jealousy often manifests unnecessarily, especially in situations like noticing your partner admiring someone attractive, talking about an ex, fantasizing about a celebrity, or having intimate conversations with friends. In these cases, jealousy is more harmful than helpful. So when can jealousy be beneficial? It becomes constructive when it motivates you to invest in yourself and your relationship, reminding you of the positive experiences you’ve shared and encouraging you to create more. It can add thrill and excitement, helping you appreciate your partner and not take them for granted. Before expressing jealousy in an unhealthy way, pause and ask yourself: where is it really coming from? Sometimes, it has nothing to do with your partner’s behavior at all. If you determine that your jealousy is valid, have an honest conversation with your partner—without preemptive accusations if possible. This kind of communication fosters trust, understanding, and emotional growth, turning jealousy from a destructive force into a guide for deeper connection.  Admittedly, I indulged some of my colleagues and tried the keto diet. I will not go into detail about the keto diet, also because I haven't studied everything thoroughly and it's quite scientific. Suffice it to say that once you limit your carbs intake, your body will run out of glucose and start burning fat and produce ketones from the liver. When the level of ketones in your blood reaches a certain threshold, you enter ketosis - a state in which your body is using ketones as fuel. This is then supposed to lead to a rapid and consistent weight loss, until your body weight stabilizes at some point. So much about the process.
Why did I decide to try it despite my better judgment? For one very simple reason - the keto diet is supposedly effective in fighting brain disease and neurological disorders. Hm, quite a bold statement claiming that a diet can cure schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, bipolar disorder, multiple sclerosis and many more disorders or diseases, including some of the more common ones like depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I've purchased a book and followed a plan by one of the gurus (I hate that word) after I had read another book on ketogenic diet by one of the leading professors from Harvard, whom I trust much more than the doctor of natural medicine. And the Harvard guy at least wasn't promising miracles and highlighted that the study of ketogenic diet on mental health is still in its early days. Not that I have anything against alternative treatments, quite the contrary. Honestly, significantly limiting carbs, sugar and dairy wasn't pleasant. But given that I was doing the 40-day alcohol free routine as well, I thought limiting certain food wouldn't be such a sacrifice. Also, if you were eating unhealthily all your life, then significantly limiting food and changing your diet completely must have some kind of an impact, at least short term. As a therapist, I was most interested in the impact on mental health. But I can't be the judge of it because I don't have any mental health issues, or other health issues, for that matter. So, I thought well, let's see if the diet manages to accomplish some minor cosmetic changes - such as wrinkles, squeaky joints, dull hair, thigh and belly fat. Believe it or not, there is even a collagen boost diet plan available so I should see some changes in skin and joints at the very least. Sadly, the diet had zero positive impact on me. Not a single thing improved. Quite the contrary. I felt heavy, lethargic and without energy. My metabolism slowed down. My skin broke out. I also felt incredibly hungry all the time, and I didn't starve myself. Calorie wise, I ate twice my normal caloric intake. Because I was hungry, I was often irritable. I didn't notice any impact on my brain - my mind wasn't any clearer, and my concentration didn't improve. Mind you, I'm a healthy person so I wasn't expecting miracles. But to not see a single positive sign of keto was disappointing to me. Especially since everyone on keto was singing praise to it. Truth be told, when I spoke to people about what happened when they got off keto, everyone said that they gained more weight back than they had lost. The conclusion I came to is that a balanced Mediterranean diet combined with ayurvedic principles is the best one. No diet of mine can be strict as I love chocolate and wine, and I'm not willing to give up on the little delicacies of life. Therefore, listen to your body. It knows best what you need. Stay away from drastic diets and avoid processed food as much as possible. Do sports regularly, meditate or do yoga for inner balance, find joy in food and sharing delicious meals with your friends and family.  Each relationship is unique and writes its own story. There is no couple in the world for which we can say with certainty that the partners will stay together forever. People change, life happens, and unexpected challenges arise. Nowadays, many women panic when they suspect their partners might be narcissistic and attempt to self-diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The problem is that many rely on personal anecdotes or articles by authors without therapeutic experience or clinical knowledge of narcissism, leaving them convinced that happiness with a narcissistic partner is impossible. But the truth is, happy relationships with narcissists are possible.
Firstly, not everyone you label as narcissistic actually has NPD. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. On one end is narcissistic personality disorder, which can vary greatly in expression and intensity. On the other end are occasional narcissistic moments, with narcissistic patterns or styles in between. We also need to acknowledge positive narcissism, which often gets overlooked because the focus is usually on the demonized form of narcissism. Secondly, the idea that narcissism is untreatable is not true. Many believe that a narcissistic person will never change, but my work with clients and their partners has shown that personal change is possible. Many experts in therapy are developing effective approaches for treating narcissism. Success depends on how strongly the individual wishes to change and the empathy and skill of the therapist in addressing narcissistic defense mechanisms. Thirdly, popular media often confuses narcissism with antisocial personality disorder (APD) or psychopathy. While comorbidity is possible, narcissism is not the same as psychopathy, and most personal stories you read do not even involve individuals with NPD or significant narcissistic traits. Remember, it takes two to tango. Any behavior only thrives as long as it is enabled by the other partner. Many who identify as "victims of a narcissist" spend too much time focusing on their partner and not enough on themselves or their role in maintaining unwanted behaviors. Every human being has the capacity for personal growth and change; the real question is how much they are willing to commit to it. If you are in a relationship with someone you suspect has narcissistic traits, consulting a therapist is highly advisable. An expert can help determine whether you are truly dealing with narcissism and guide you on the best path forward. Even if your partner has NPD, it does not mean your relationship is doomed. Your partner is just as capable of changing behavior as you are. You can encourage this change by setting boundaries, refusing to enable unacceptable behavior, and focusing on yourself. When one partner changes, the other often follows. And if positive change does not happen, you always have the choice to leave the relationship and prioritize your well-being.  Relationships are complex for one very simple reason: people in general are complex beings and when two individuals come together, the complexity increases. Especially if we end up with someone who is completely incompatible with or different from us. But what exactly does it mean to be compatible or incompatible?
In our teens and twenties, even in our early thirties, we don't analyze our relationships much. When we break up with someone, it hurts, and we need to get over it before we give someone new a chance. Unless, of course, we're having a rebound relationship to help us forget the previous relationship. For many young people, being in a relationship means being constantly in what we call the "in love" phase. That is the crazy, stupid, hormonally induced love that often prevents us from seeing our partners as they truly are. We overlook their potential flaws and the little things that slightly annoy us because we're projecting our fantasy onto them. We see our partners through the rose-colored glasses. All we want is to enjoy their company and be fused with them - lust is what drives us and we see ourselves and our partners as one. Normally, once a relationship develops, the "in love" phase is replaced by the "loving phase" in which lust is replaced by romantic love and attachment as the main driving forces. This is the moment when the fantasy we had begins to conflict with reality. Very often, relationships break-up if we don't manage to adapt to the new reality of the relationship and see our partners for who they are. In general, this is the phase during which the excitement and the thrill fade away and need to be replaced by other things in common. Hence, it is very important that we are compatible with our partners in at least some of the key areas. It is highly unromantic to be choosing our partners according to a checklist. However, if we have been unsuccessful in many of our intimate relationships, maybe it's time we carefully consider certain elements before committing to someone for life.  I don't know why it's happening exactly now but somehow death seems to be a prominent theme in my life. I absolutely hate it! Since themes in my life often correspond to the issues my clients are dealing with, I wonder how often the topic will be present in our discussions. Regardless of whether we're talking about physical or metaphorical death. Perhaps my thinking is impacted by the solar eclipse and what it portends as well.
There has been an unusual number of deaths and illnesses in my circle of friends lately and it's very disturbing. All so sudden and unexpected. I have considerable difficulties dealing with death. Not so much my own, but that's probably because I've been fairly healthy so far, except for one episode years ago. I was particularly hit by one death during the Covid times. It was so difficult to accept that the person was gone, that we'll never again have a glass of Rioja together or a deep conversation or simply fun toghether. I don't know what it is but this notion of never ever seeing someone again frightens me. It leaves me frozen. So many things left unsaid, so many memories not made together, so much still left to discuss, and enjoy, even if it is just some quiet time together. My love's illness too has marked me significantly. It's too soon. I'm not ready. And why is it that the theme of death is so omnipresent in my life now? It is ominous, frightening, unsettling. I know death is a natural part of life but it should not come so soon. I feel like I am being robbed. Something is being taken away from me. Often, there's nothing I can do about it. Stiff upper lip and taking it on the chin, in a very British kind of way. But I'm not British, I'm emotional. Perhaps it's the fact I'm feeling powerless. Unable to do something, anything. As a therapist, I have coping mechanisms. I understand the process. I know I will survive. Yet it's still unsettling, horrible, f...ing unbelievable, unacceptable. Tell them you love them. Tell them everything. Before it's too late. Just how ok are you with yourself really? Your high-school reunion could be a test of that.2/27/2023  When we grow older or become more mature, whichever way you prefer to call it, we tend to see ourselves differently than we did when we were younger. This is especially true if we engaged in personal develoment or became more successful or changed our appearance or lost weight or found a perfect partner, or did anything else to get rid of what used to be a source of shame and ridicule in our younger age.
Perhaps this is even more true for those of us who were bullied, excluded from the in-crowd, didn't perform well in school or were simply considered as somehow 'inadequate' by the people with whom we deseperately wanted to be accepted. Teenage years were a frustrating and humiliating experience for many because we were the outsiders who so wanted to fit in but were told very bluntly that there was something wrong with us. As those painful high-school years went by and we had the oportunity to reinvent ourselves at college, we got the impression that we can finally breathe and be ourselves. Alas, sooner or later we again stumbled upon someone who made us feel less worthy, and again we faced a similar trauma of questioning our self-worth. Ouir self-confidence plummeted again. what else! That made us even more determined to invest in ourselves, to become the best version of ourselves, to achieve whatever was deemed worthy of praise and admiration in other people's eyes. Many of us started changing our physical appearance or perfecting a skill or working harder at work, driven by the desire to be successful and to earn respect from our colleagues. Many of us actually managed to achieve our goal and on that wave of popularity we felt, for the first time ever, as if we truly fit in. While we strove to gain outside admiration, however, we often forgot that what we were doing was not so much to be true to ourselves but to please others. That's why no matter how successful we have become, the insecure child inside of us has still not left the building. At least not completely. Deep down we were still very much concerned that people would discover that we're nothing but the outsider, the loser, the laughing stock that we used to be. Because in times of distress or lack of success we still believed ourselves to be the kid that wasn't with the in-crowd decades ago. Hence, the relevance of high-school reunions. When the new, improved, self-confident adult that we are returns to the small town, and sometimes small-minded people, to face the tormentors from the past, that adult returns to the reuion in the child ego state, as we call it. No matter how successful or popular we are today, when we interact with the old crowd that made us feel like shit, we inadvertently fall into that same role. Unless we have truly made progress in our personal growth and are sincerely content with who we have become. The next time you go to your high-school reunion, or meet someone from your past life when you were a different person, observe how you behave and feel in the situation. If you regress to your old patterns of behaviour, cognition and emotion, then there is more self-development work to do. If you don't, then congratulations! You have reached the stage in your life where you're happy and content with who you are and you no longer care what other people think.  The year is slowly coming to an end. It was one of the most difficult years to be honest, at least for me. I was just reflecting upon the last decade and 2011, 2014, 2016, 2018 were all extremely unpleasant years. I wouldn't want to relive them. Yet they also taught me so much!
We all tend to make new year's resolutions every year even though we often don't stick to many of them. Therefore, I shall not dwell on new year's resolutions. Let me only say that should you decide to make a list of yours, keep it short and don't try to implement them all of at once. Take it one step at a time! You've got a whole year to bring them to life. What I want to focus on is new beginnings. True, it is so much nicer to start something new when we reach a milestone. New year's, birthdays, important life events are moments when we reflect on what we have achieved, where we are and where we would like to be. December 21 is Winter solstice, a day when the energies support us in making changes, or so they say. Whether you believe it or not, doesn't really matter. The energy is in the air. What matters is that you set an intention to make a change in your life. Why am I focusing on new beginnings? Because too many people have a very fatalistic view of life. So many believe that it's too late for them to do XYZ. They feel the moment has passed, or that they are too old, or whatever else you might think of, to make a new start. It's almost never too late to start anew. It's only too late to turn a new page in a relationship if the other person has died. And even that can be the start of something new, painful at first, but leading to something beautiful. So, if you feel you want to make a change, start something new, let go of the past and embrace something or someone new, go for it. You don't have to wait for the stars to collide. When the moment is right, you will know it. Trust your intuition. Embrace the change, even if it scares you. Believe it will all be ok. I know the new year will bring me a huge loss that I'm not yet sure of how I shall overcome, if ever. But I also trust fate has many positive changes in store for me as well. If not, I will make sure the new year marks a new beginning for me too. Winter solstice is one of those days when the energies support us in our manifestations, so meditate, light a candle, make a wish, and see it come true! |
Katarina's LIFE Principle:“If we want to change the world, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. That is why I love real people who say what they mean and mean what they say. No fluff, no lies and no pretence.”
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