STOP BEING A PEOPLE-PLEASER / nehajte biti ustrežljivci

Taking responsibility is of key importance when it comes to personal growth. That is one of the first lessons people learn when they come to therapy. What about you? Have you ever caught yourself denying and suppressing your needs and wants as you strived to please someone else? Have you noticed how your sense of self and self-image fluctuate, depending on what other people think about you? Would you say that you are an emotionally independent person or are you an emotionally dependent people pleaser? If the latter, then you are probably familiar with the sense of dread and fear that envelops you when you consider that other people will not accept you or love you if you showed your true self or stated your opinion.
Have you ever wondered, though, what would happen if you took full responsibility for your life and stood by your decisions, even if things did not go like you expected them to? Namely, taking responsibility for how we feel, act and think is what leads us towards empowerment and personal growth. Otherwise, we quickly fall into the permanent role of a victim to whom life is happening, with all the good and, especially, all the bad that it brings along. So long as we stay stuck in the victim role, we remain blinded by it, and we only focus on why we are in the unfortunate position we find ourselves in, and who is to be blamed for it. We then continue to play this role in all areas of our lives and thus continue slipping down the spiral of self-sorrow and helplessness, for so long till we collapse in a corner and cry like babies, wondering if life is really nothing but suffering. It is not! Life is full of opportunities if we are brave enough to take advantage of them.
The first step towards true empowerment is made when we take responsibility for our lives. When we are emotionally dependent on others for validation, when our sense of self-worth depends on other people’s opinion, we continue to engage in dependent relationships, hence preventing ourselves to live our lives as we please.
We all have flaws, we all make mistakes, we all experience fear and shame, we all commit something incredibly stupid from time to time. But it does not mean the world comes to an end because of it. When we take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, we can get through turbulent times much easier because we know that if we managed to get ourselves in trouble, we also have the capacity to get ourselves out of trouble. When we assume responsibility, we can learn from our mistakes, and we do not have to look for someone to blame for them. When we integrate that we are the ones dictating how we shall live, we can leave a toxic relationship. We have no problems changing jobs if we feel used. We say no when we do not want to do something. We stop being a puppet in the hands of manipulative people. We start attracting different types of people into our lives. People who are on the same wavelength as we are, who share the same values we do.
We only have one life, and it is up to us, whether we will spend it in line with our wishes, principles and values. True, our starting points differ, as do our individual circumstances. However, we are share the desire to lead a beautiful and happy life – whatever that means for each of us. We can never be liked by everyone, that’s life. There will always be people who will find something to comment on. Since we are the ones who have to spend 24/7 with ourselves, it is important that we like who we are. When you start being responsibly for your life, you will also gain greater clarity as to what your life purpose or mission is. Then, you will find peace of mind and peace of heart, which is what matters the most in these difficult times.



Prevzemanje odgovornosti je ključno za osebno rast. To je prva stvar, ki jo usvojijo vsi, ki pridejo na terapijo. Kaj pa vi? Ste se že kdaj zalotili, kako potlačujete in zanikate svoje potrebe in želje, ko stremite k temu, da bi ustregli nekomu drugemu? Ste že opazili, kako vaša samopodoba niha in je odvisna od tega, kaj drugi ljudje mislijo o vas? Bi zase rekli, da ste čustveno samostojni ali ste čustveno odvisni ustrežljivci? Če to zadnje, potem vam je verjetno poznan občutek groze in strahu ob misli, da vas drugi ne bodo sprejeli ali imeli radi, ko boste pokazali svoj pravi jaz in izrazili svoje mnenje.
Pa ste se kdaj vprašali, kaj bi se zgodilo, če bi prevzeli popolno odgovornost za svoje življenje in v celoti stali za svojimi odločitvami, tudi če se stvari ne bi vedno odvile po pričakovanjih? Namreč, prevzemanje odgovornosti za svoje počutje, svoja dejanja, svoja občutja in svoje misli je tisto, kar vodi v opolnomočenje in osebno rast. V nasprotnem primeru hitro prevzamemo vlogo večne žrtve, ki se ji življenje dogaja – z vsem dobrim in še posebej vsem slabim, kar s seboj prinaša. Dokler smo v vlogi žrtve, smo zaslepljeni in se ukvarjamo izključno s tem, zakaj smo v neljubem položaju in kdo je kriv, da smo se tam znašli. Realne slike situacije, v kateri smo se znašli, niti ne vidimo. Vlogo žrtve potem igramo na vseh področjih svojega življenja in tako nehote polzimo navzdol po spirali samopomiljevanja in občutka nemoči, dokler ne obsedimo kot kup nesreče in se sprašujemo, če je življenje res samo trpljenje. Ni! Življenje je polno priložnosti, če smo le dovolj pogumni, da jih izkoristimo.
Prvi korak na poti k pravemu opolnomočenju je, da prevzamemo odgovornost za svoje življenje. Kadar smo čustveno odvisni od validacije drugih, kadar je naša lastna vrednost odvisna od mnenja drugih, smo v odvisnih odnosih in sami sebi preprečujemo, da bi zaživeli tako, kot si želimo.
Vsi imamo napake, vsem se kdaj kaj zalomi, vse je kdaj strah in sram, vsi kdaj storimo kolosalno neumnost. Vendar to še ne pomeni, da je sveta konec. Če prevzamemo odgovornost zase in svoja ravnanja, lažje prebrodimo težavna obdobja, ker vemo, da če smo se spravili v zagato, se lahko iz zagate tudi izkopljemo. Če prevzamemo odgovornost, se na svojih napakah učimo in ne iščemo krivca zanje v drugih. Ko enkrat ozavestimo, da smo mi tisti, ki določamo svoje življenje, nam ni težko zapustiti toksičnega odnosa. Ni nam težko zamenjati službe, ko nas izkoriščajo. Ni nam težko reči ne, ko nečesa ne želimo. Nehamo biti lutka v manipulativnih igrah drugih. V svoje življenje pričnemo privlačiti ljudi, ki so na podobni valovni dolžini kot mi, in s katerimo delimo skupne vrednote.
Eno samo življenje imamo in zgolj od nas je odvisno, ali ga bomo preživeli skladno s svojimi željami, načeli in vrednotami. Res je, da vsi nimamo enakih izhodišč in da se naše okoliščine razlikujejo. Smo si pa vsi podobni v tem, da želimo živeti lepo in srečno življenje – karkoli to že pomeni za posameznika. V življenju je pač tako, da vsem ne moremo biti všeč. Vedno se bo našel kdo, ki bo imel pripombe. Vendar samo mi sami s seboj preživimo 24 ur na dan, zato je pomembno, da smo si všeč. Ko boste prevzeli odgovornost za svoje življenje, boste ugotovili tudi to, kaj je vaše poslanstvo na tem svetu. Takrat boste našli duševni mir in pomirjenost s sabo, kar pa zlasti v današnjem času šteje še največ.

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