Relationships are complex for one very simple reason: people in general are complex beings and when two individuals come together, the complexity increases. Especially if we end up with someone who is completely incompatible with or different from us. But what exactly does it mean to be compatible or incompatible?
In our teens and twenties, even in our early thirties, we don't analyze our relationships much. When we break up with someone, it hurts, and we need to get over it before we give someone new a chance. Unless, of course, we're having a rebound relationship to help us forget the previous relationship. For many young people, being in a relationship means being constantly in what we call the "in love" phase. That is the crazy, stupid, hormonally induced love that often prevents us from seeing our partners as they truly are. We overlook their potential flaws and the little things that slightly annoy us because we're projecting our fantasy onto them. We see our partners through the rose-colored glasses. All we want is to enjoy their company and be fused with them - lust is what drives us and we see ourselves and our partners as one.
Normally, once a relationship develops, the "in love" phase is replaced by the "loving phase" in which lust is replaced by romantic love and attachment as the main driving forces. This is the moment when the fantasy we had begins to conflict with reality. Very often, relationships break-up if we don't manage to adapt to the new reality of the relationship and see our partners for who they are. In general, this is the phase during which the excitement and the thrill fade away and need to be replaced by other things in common. Hence, it is very important that we are compatible with our partners in at least some of the key areas.
It is highly unromantic to be choosing our partners according to a checklist. However, if we have been unsuccessful in many of our intimate relationships, maybe it's time we carefully consider certain elements before committing to someone for life.
“If we want to change the world, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. That is why I love real people who say what they mean and mean what they say. No fluff, no lies and no pretence.”